What everyone wants: NONSENSE!
by Mar1lyn Man5on
Summary: This is an old recollection of totaly nonsense, that will make you pee in your pants from laughter, that got erased IDK why..PLEASE r/r!!
1. Chapter 1

(Hey Grace this goes to you, and to Shoron, Tyler, and all the weird people with whom I chat)  
  
Yeah Um I thought of doing this collection of weird things because it's fun to have some more freak-vocab, and this way you'll scare the heck out your friends!! Um I usually say very very weird stuff to people and they usually just raise their eyebrow at me or just blink.um but they always come back with a smart remark that I can back up. For instance, you're so freakin' crazy you whisper to yourself "The world is a round cube" and someone next to you exclaims "what the heck??" and then they start asking you why is your mind so obstructed.well just answer this: "It's because I have you next to me, your evil influence has taken hold of my pea-sized brain, and I'm going to start saying weird things 'til I freak you out and you get away from me." Hey I would say this, except all my friends are as weird as me, and I don't need so many smart remarks.  
One of the best times to be an imbecile to people (A/N be proud!!!) is when they're popular preps with no life of their own except copying their most popular friend's clothes, to try to imitate them, but failing. If you're on your own galaxy and you say something like "I wish I was a floating head, that flied buoyantly over the Rainbow Valley Candy factory (open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, once a month). And to rediscover all of Grace's cats that almost died because of the meat producing the Cauliflower Factory was making." Suddenly, the popular scubbus throws you a look of pure loath. Ahem what do you do? Just smile and say "yes I know you too are eager to come to the Rainbow Valley with me, but in Grace's bus there's only so much space for me and a group of Japanese tourists with flashing digital cameras (A/N no offense to any Japanese with flashing digital cameras). I'd take you except what you're wearing is not designed by the Drunk Girl, or Mango, or anyone from the cast of Saturday Night live. So you see, darling, you ain't popular enough to go. Sorry." And then you just do your thing. They're bound to either start crying or try to decipher what you just said.  
And have you seen all the stupid logos in t-shirts these days? I myself own one that says "Sugar is good for you". But what I've seen is just the top of stupidity: "Want my phone number? It's 1-800-you-wish", "Boy problems? Just dump him", Thank God I'm beautiful", "stop checking me out" (I saw this one at the back pocket of some girl's jeans), "Oblivious", "The penguins have taken my sanity away", "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because you're all the same", and so on so forth. Hey if you find more of these let me know! Anyway, stick to the script, once I was walking down the street with my mom, and I saw the "thank God I'm beautiful" shirt, on a very ugly girl (trust me she was ugly), and I suddenly let go of my backpack, and cracked up in the middle of the street, with kids coming out of the elementary school. They all thought I was high on something (I probably was), but it was because of all those shifty shirts. I mean, if you see one that really gets on your nerves, just stop them and say: "How can you do this to me? I created you all equally, and now you pay me back wearing this piece of rubbish? You mean to tell me that you're cute, because I made you? Don't thank me, for I wasn't blind when I made you so ugly! You scared me and I ran away and you came out like that! Now do me God ,AKA me, a favor: go home take that shirt off, and grab a can of tuna, open it and put little pieces of sponge inside it. Hit yourself over your head with a salmon, and buy a spiked shoelace. Eat the can of tuna, caress your skin with the spiked shoelace, and chew on the raw salmon." That is sure to freak them out, or if it doesn't work, gimme a call, and I'll fix it! 


	2. Chapter 2

ToothfairyReject: Keep Britain tidy! Eat socks! Mumble Jumble stumble Grumble hey day mumble jumbles stumble grumble tea bag! Omg!OMG! I'm hyper! I'm hyper! I'm hyper! I'm hyper! Okay right now I'm under spell and I seriously do not like it! Somebody break the spell! Anyways I have to be nice to everyone *makes face* that means everyone  
  
Vansfourlife: ok  
  
Vansfourlife: so you have to be nice to me huh?  
  
ToothfairyReject: do you want to meet Mr. Green Ballon??  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes i do  
  
Vansfourlife: so if i call you a bitch...you still have to be nice?  
  
ToothfairyReject: well the spell breaks once i reach a breaking point  
  
ToothfairyReject: then everything goes back to normal  
  
ToothfairyReject: *smiles brightly*  
  
Vansfourlife: k...  
  
Vansfourlife: whats breaking point?  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes to wat?  
  
ToothfairyReject: that i can not tell you right now  
  
ToothfairyReject: do you want to meet mr. green ballon?  
  
Vansfourlife: sure..  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: *whistles and a walking bubble gum stick with a cop's hat on comes up*  
  
ToothfairyReject: meet mr. greeb ballon!  
  
ToothfairyReject: but don't get too close  
  
ToothfairyReject: he bites  
  
Vansfourlife: ...  
  
ToothfairyReject: *green  
  
Vansfourlife: bubble gum stick?  
  
Vansfourlife: what he do?  
  
ToothfairyReject: what do you mean?  
  
ToothfairyReject: he's a farmer for god sakes!  
  
ToothfairyReject: and yes a bubble gum stick  
  
ToothfairyReject: geez  
  
ToothfairyReject: oh oops *smiles brightly*  
  
Vansfourlife: ooh  
  
Vansfourlife: u were mean  
  
ToothfairyReject: huh?  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: please state subject and matter  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes?  
  
Vansfourlife: mmhmm  
  
ToothfairyReject: mmm?  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: the point is that is not stated and sufficent that if you die an unatrual death like i will all prefer states of the Unites states will come to your funeral and will you good bye to a very very very happy place called Earth  
  
Vansfourlife: ok..  
  
ToothfairyReject: is there a problem?  
  
ToothfairyReject: ??  
  
ToothfairyReject: all stations are closed for now  
  
Vansfourlife: ???  
  
ToothfairyReject: if you would like to visit the tooth paste factory just ask  
  
ToothfairyReject: open 24 hours a day seven days a week once a month  
  
ToothfairyReject: once again keep britain tidy! Eat socks!  
  
Vansfourlife: tidy?  
  
Vansfourlife: and i don't want socks  
  
ToothfairyReject: your point?  
  
ToothfairyReject: you don't live in britain  
  
Vansfourlife: weird...  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes  
  
ToothfairyReject: why is that?  
  
Vansfourlife: rite  
  
ToothfairyReject: rite?  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's half past 8 if you eat your supper now you'll be hungry later  
  
ToothfairyReject: you don't want to miss beets and liver  
  
Vansfourlife: yes i do  
  
ToothfairyReject: why is that?  
  
ToothfairyReject: upon some other worlds I have discovered the peaceful war torn planet of OZZIE the planet where peoplpe live for ice cream goats and cotton candy  
  
Vansfourlife: really...  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes it's true  
  
ToothfairyReject: upon recieving there in my past journeys i have know to give out magical eggs for all the past presidental candidates going for the President of the United Toothpaste and Turquoise Mailbox inc. Everybody loves it there you get free sunburns  
  
Vansfourlife: if you can do that  
  
Vansfourlife: come over my house  
  
Vansfourlife: and ill give you $50  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's okay for you, but chairity moneu doesn't not grow on mouse cheese  
  
ToothfairyReject: *charity  
  
ToothfairyReject: *money  
  
ToothfairyReject: oh yea and the tie dye racoons say hi  
  
Vansfourlife: ...  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes?  
  
ToothfairyReject: Can life get any better without candy? The answer is... Yes! No! Maybe so! Moving on the condystore to the top is owned by a mysterious force that controls....THE UNIVERSE! *star wars song comes up* And we are all little atoms formed together by molecues, protons, nuetrons, and similes! May the force be with you forevermore and give you chocolate covered doughnouhts for lunch! *starts screaming and faints* Eat my socks!  
  
Vansfourlife: ok shut up about socks  
  
ToothfairyReject: in other words the world is turing into a black hole the turn of 1289821839018329108 century  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes yes yes  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: and also pronouncing upon my death bed I have seen great visions  
  
Vansfourlife: 12743246545645676456412346 century?  
  
ToothfairyReject: grasshoppers, printers, and graas  
  
ToothfairyReject: *grass  
  
ToothfairyReject: and no to that  
  
ToothfairyReject: another thing in mind  
  
ToothfairyReject: all digital bettings are placed upon a sausage panda in lifeless land  
  
ToothfairyReject: i'm sorry am I scaring you?  
  
ToothfairyReject: if so i will leave  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes watever  
  
Vansfourlife: whatever  
  
ToothfairyReject: is that a yes or no?  
  
Vansfourlife: thats part of my alien language that you need to decode  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay to that  
  
ToothfairyReject: i take that as a maybe  
  
ToothfairyReject: middle to the right and forward non stop at one inch an hour  
  
ToothfairyReject: lovely  
  
Vansfourlife: what the prick?  
  
ToothfairyReject: mm?  
  
ToothfairyReject: may i ask what you are asking  
  
ToothfairyReject: ??  
  
Vansfourlife: huh  
  
Vansfourlife: im confused  
  
ToothfairyReject: well that was uncalled for  
  
ToothfairyReject: hmm  
  
Vansfourlife: k  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes... confusing..oh well everything has side effects  
  
ToothfairyReject: I'm still just nice and oh okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: watever  
  
ToothfairyReject: *look confused* wat is that dog doing?  
  
ToothfairyReject: brb  
  
Vansfourlife: hehe  
  
Vansfourlife: k  
  
ToothfairyReject: twisted words!  
  
ToothfairyReject: i got hit by a milk trunk!!  
  
Vansfourlife: k..  
  
Vansfourlife: i got hit by a bus  
  
Vansfourlife: but when it hit me  
  
Vansfourlife: it disentegrated cuz im so strong  
  
ToothfairyReject: i got hit by a millk truck!  
  
ToothfairyReject: it tried to eat me!!  
  
Vansfourlife: k  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes it did!  
  
ToothfairyReject: i dunno why though  
  
Vansfourlife: mmhmm  
  
ToothfairyReject: milk trucks don't have big appetties  
  
Vansfourlife: lol  
  
ToothfairyReject: wat  
  
ToothfairyReject: ??  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's true  
  
ToothfairyReject: 13% of your brain is made of ash, sulphur, and soda watever  
  
ToothfairyReject: intresting isn't it?  
  
Vansfourlife: you like role-play don't ya?  
  
Vansfourlife: sure  
  
ToothfairyReject: actually  
  
ToothfairyReject: no  
  
ToothfairyReject: but watever today has been very cool so far  
  
ToothfairyReject: lovely  
  
ToothfairyReject: lovely  
  
ToothfairyReject: lovely  
  
Vansfourlife: ?  
  
ToothfairyReject: i have found a cure for grave yard sickness  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's very easible cure  
  
Vansfourlife: ?  
  
ToothfairyReject: and you never ever ever get pain and sickness haunting you again!  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's very very simple  
  
Vansfourlife: k  
  
ToothfairyReject: only 23769827342843792 steps!  
  
ToothfairyReject: very simple indeed  
  
Vansfourlife: just a lil more than quitting to smoke!  
  
ToothfairyReject: wat??  
  
ToothfairyReject: um actually no  
  
ToothfairyReject: but if you truly insist  
  
ToothfairyReject: as they all say mumble bumble jumble grumble stumble fumble tea bag!  
  
Vansfourlife: really?  
  
Vansfourlife: all that in a tea bag?  
  
ToothfairyReject: no in tv recorder  
  
ToothfairyReject: specially and carefully prepared for an unsafe process  
  
Vansfourlife: ................  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes yes yes  
  
ToothfairyReject: is there aproblem?  
  
ToothfairyReject: *a problem  
  
Vansfourlife: machine  
  
Vansfourlife: they using that for pass  
  
Vansfourlife: pet machine*  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes they are  
  
ToothfairyReject: not really but yes  
  
Vansfourlife: where you bring your dog  
  
Vansfourlife: and they kill it!  
  
Vansfourlife: muuaahahhahahah  
  
ToothfairyReject: *blinks* huh?  
  
Vansfourlife: lol  
  
ToothfairyReject: pandas aren't the only ones that fly you know  
  
Vansfourlife: really...  
  
Vansfourlife: only th e azn ones tho  
  
ToothfairyReject: no  
  
ToothfairyReject: there are these endangered spices called the fly ufo's very very scary  
  
ToothfairyReject: *species  
  
ToothfairyReject: they talk in radio waves too  
  
ToothfairyReject: refridgerators are common pets  
  
Vansfourlife: lol  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes  
  
ToothfairyReject: indeed  
  
ToothfairyReject: Want a magical egg?  
  
Vansfourlife: sure  
  
ToothfairyReject: lemme see  
  
ToothfairyReject: *searches through lunch box*  
  
ToothfairyReject: aha! Here we go! *pulls out a Koala Bear on a diet* Magical eggs! Very very nutritous, friendly, happy, and tangible, and disappear at the speed of light to the next planet. Very common delicacy!  
  
Vansfourlife: a panda?  
  
ToothfairyReject: wat??  
  
ToothfairyReject: no a Koala bear!  
  
Vansfourlife: oh sorry..  
  
ToothfairyReject: they come from italy's industrial canned foods!!  
  
Vansfourlife: *chews on it*  
  
Vansfourlife: EWW  
  
ToothfairyReject: watch out it's still alive  
  
Vansfourlife: cherry flavor  
  
ToothfairyReject: mmm that's wrong  
  
ToothfairyReject: it's suppose to taste like chocolate  
  
Vansfourlife: yes it is  
  
Vansfourlife: not this one  
  
ToothfairyReject: oh well "accidents" always happen in the factories  
  
ToothfairyReject: you never know wat's really been cooked  
  
ToothfairyReject: oh well  
  
Vansfourlife: what you do with it?  
  
Vansfourlife: *opens your mouth and stick it in*  
  
Vansfourlife: *cloeses mouth  
  
Vansfourlife: chew  
  
ToothfairyReject: *blinks and takes it out and shakes head at the magical egg* it's not polite to stare dear *pats the turquoise mailbox*  
  
Vansfourlife: ..  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes?  
  
Vansfourlife: rite  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes it is  
  
ToothfairyReject: i do not know about you but i believe in book rights! All books should be able to vote for who should be the cream puff of the year  
  
ToothfairyReject: yet everyone rejects them for their covers  
  
ToothfairyReject: vote for book rights!  
  
Vansfourlife: ...........................  
  
ToothfairyReject: yes??  
  
Vansfourlife: nm  
  
ToothfairyReject: okay  
  
ToothfairyReject: maybe I am saying too  
  
ToothfairyReject: hmm might be took much input for you  
  
Vansfourlife: yes  
  
ToothfairyReject: well i'm not a nurse so I can not help you there  
  
Vansfourlife: ok good  
  
Vansfourlife: cuz i don't want you looking to see if i have testicular cancer  
  
ToothfairyReject: wat?? ToothfairyReject: okay i do not want to know  
  
Vansfourlife: Vansfourlife [5:54 PM]: ok good  
  
Vansfourlife [5:54 PM]: cuz i don't want you looking to see if i have testicular cancer  
  
ToothfairyReject: i repeat i do not want to know  
  
Vansfourlife: well now you know  
  
ToothfairyReject: *blinks* sure why not  
  
Vansfourlife: so  
  
ToothfairyReject: anyways I have to go now I have to do some depressing psychological work out there in the planet of lucyhatesme  
  
Vansfourlife: can i check if you have breast cancer?  
  
ToothfairyReject: so and no  
  
Vansfourlife: k bye  
  
ToothfairyReject: and i have to og  
  
ToothfairyReject: bye 


	3. Chapter 3

Weird things I say everyday  
  
Just like ToothFairyReject, I say things like that all the time (24 hours a day, seven days a week, every single month). She's better at making things up, but my ideas are also funky. For example, my screen name profile and my subprofile are full of those weird sayings, and are all either from ToothFairyReject, or my own. And if you want to see my subprofile (don't sign the guest-book to put smart remarks) visit this site: . Anyways, one thing my friend Sam was saying today was "this is the perfect food for.VENGANCE!!" or "this is the perfect banana for.VENGANCE!!" and he'd start laughing like mad. But hey, it's Sam, so not much can be fixed (A/N jk Sam). One of the things I like (to copy from ToothFairyReject, rather) to say to vansfourlife is crazy things to make him mad. It usually doesn't work, but I was trying with, er, enthusiasm (not). Um I just made up this weird story about Tooth Fairy(s) Network, and it goes something like this: "Did you hear about the Cauliflower meat processing massacre? It killed many cats at the back of Grace's bus, when she was giving them a tour through our home, Rainbow Valley. Mr. Green Balloon wasn't of much help, either; the only thing he did was pop out right there, and arrest all the Japanese tourists with the flashing digital cameras (A/N azn pride), and Goyle, who had turned into a girl, and was shouting that we didn't treat her/him nicely.  
Anyway, I am starting to fuse Eminem's songs with all my weird things, because he sort of inspired me not. Well, to be honest, yes I do enjoy his music, even though I don't take all his insulting impulses seriously. I just think his charisma is fun, and not discriminating or mad. Anyway, long story shorter than short, I included him in my Harry Potter stories, because contrasting him with all the stupid things I added there would give it a touch of publicity, even though later on I realized that Eminem would never do such thing. I think he is pretty funny, and I tried to picture him saying all the things I wrote in here, and I swear I almost fell off my bed from all the laughter. Jeez, my mom was getting pissed, but anyway, Dancing pigs are dancing tango. Yes they are!  
Grace and I decided to get back at all the critics and journalist that criticized Eminem. Yes, we said we would get some shirts and write on them some logos. Okay, my shirt is composed of such writing: "I adore Eminem.eat lizard hair, maybe you'll change colors". Grace's contains such: "Be Eminem free! I adore my hair with lizard tails". You might think this is all brainless dribble, like some person said in the reviews, but hey I warned you all when I wrote them that it was pure brainless scribble, so if you don't like it or think it's way too stupid for your ego, I invite you to stop reading and read something else, like Shoron's stories (*wink*), cause he is cool. Anyway here are some crazy sayings that me and Grace just made: -Freddie is gay. Period. -damn, now we gots to get technical... -What does this button do? (famous last words) -Are you from Tennessee? Because you are the only ten I see. -I have lost my telephone number, can I have yours? -Have some panda droppings, they are very fragrant and nice. Good luck everyone. -I was surprise when I open the box full of happy. Good luck everyone. -The grinding of the intellect is to most people as painful as the dentist's drill. -Want my phone number? It's 1-800-get-lost! -Be a proud Scottish pink limp anti-pants rabbit. -Keep Britain tidy! Eat socks! -Eat a chameleon! maybe you'll change colors! -Pants pants pants pants pants grandma pants pants pants -If a cow was a gopher it wouldn't be a cow! -My things are pointless! -You can see it from miles! -The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word. -Suicide hotline...please hold. -Wow! Are those real? -(look at me) Follow directions. NOW. -99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take one down. Pass it around. 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer. I drank it. -Houston we have a problem. (Ryan speaking) I left my booze on the moon! -Martha! Get me my beer! -Martha! Put your shirt back on! Who's that Martha? -Chrissie: (To Ryan, a month ago) (we were married) All right buster, you're sleeping on the couch tonight. Ryan: Ah, I don't see how I could do that, unless you're starting to call yourself couch. -Definition: WAB= Women's Artificial Bananas -That is one scary banana! -club Freaky Links song: If you like to be in a place, where no one needs a space, then be our guest at the club Freaky Links! If you don't like blue ink, we'll change it to pink. If you still don't like this color, that means you have bad odor. -I am a floating head that eats boiled cheese. -Aloha! Shoot me! (Freddie's motto) - I speak Latin. Macaroni and cheese. Mmm I hate you! -Justine= WAHB, honorary member. -They are all poopy, except Platapus of course. -Wisconsin cheese. Stupid. -Californian cheese. Smart. -Great cheese come from happy cows. Happy cows come from California. Real California cheese. It's the cheese. -Rainbow Valley cheese is better! -Who ate Harry Potter? - I still this Rainbow Valley cheese is better! -Everyone is a sushipoo! -gay person= Freddie aka Jade aka beautiful swan -Honk if you're gay and not gay! -Just in case for a crunchy taste! -Extra naughty very berry! (dunno what it means but that's not the point.) -Helium is sweet and doesn't go up and sulfur is pink and not acid. MMM tasty! Who is up for tie dye raccoons? -Who in the world is Tobey? I dunno. My Grandma? -Um that is really confusing... -Yeah I know! -Shut up! -No, you shut up! -We should shut up! -Yay! -No! -I like your sexy accent! It sounds Engrishish ish ish ish, I mean ish, Engrish, yea... -Bitch! I don't like her bitchy attitude! She insulted me! What!? -Jason likes fantasy animals, like Peachy for example, pink, fuzzy, teddy bear dressed like Britney Spears with Batman underwear. He is proud of who he is. - Power to the Mozambequion mafia! -Kill the Iceland mafia! Invite them for Christmas dinner! Monkey stew! Tasty huh? I should wonder why... (Smile) -Hi! See ya in a second! Did you take your sea sick pills? -Banana! -Hey sexy! Had a lot of fun with you in the cabin! -Don't say peanuts! Peanuts! Oh no here comes Zim! The one who's really thin! -Drowning in stew. M' m' good! Doctor Pepper! You make the world taste better! -Do the Dew! It's gotta be the haircuts! -Chevy. Like a Rock. A one pound rock. -Platapus moved to Arizona for the colder climate. -Eat Wisconsin cheese loser! No Cali cheese, ahem, I mean Rainbow Valley cheese, for you! -The world is a banana slug! -Boiled cheese with donkey skin is yum yum! -Harry got run over by Lord Voldemort! -Crazy insane or insane crazy? Boo! Moo! Bleep! Meow! Woof! We gonna do more and we'll post them so be aware of us insane people! 


	4. Chapter 4

Some more complex examples  
  
"*This page is totally reserved for Grace so go eat a Christmas trees and leave me alone* To the completely insane and candy cane I present the life of this year: Merry Christmas! I'm alive! I'm dead! I found a dead panda on the sidewalk. It was stuffed with shrimp. I like shrimp. I don't like pandas. But I like dogs. Yoda is a cookie. Remember the CIA, Cookies In America. We are out to get you. Hate monkeys. Yum. Food. Cream Puffs are weaklings. Like me. I like cream puffs. Gary vs. Gary. Who will win? Gary loves Gary. Remember the 'incident' yesterday? So much fun, Freddie is mean. I love candy. Candy is made of sugar, sulfur, iodine, and lollipops. Gross. I mean yum. I mean gross. How fun. YAY! My hand hurts. This is still my page! Back off!! *eats moldy lollipop* oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh Freddie is very very, very, very, very, very GAY! And mean too. Freddie is a man's man. Hehehehehe *gasps* hehehehehehe. I hate eggs. OMG OMG OMG! I almost go poisoned last night. I ate a parrot for breakfast! I was fasting. I am on a diet. I eat chocolate ice cream everyday. I am suing you for one cent for your inconvenient motorcycle. Stop laughing! It's my cheese! Woof, woof, woof. I am a cat. Isn't this not fun? Ooooh cool! I like me. Fun. We missed Freddie's promotional *starts crying* Not fair! *sniff, sniff* My hand hurts. This page is still mine! *eats tinsel paper* It's Christmas time! *throws pumping at Freddie* I love Christmas! Freddie is gonna get slapped! Gary is um.let me think.PINK! I'm tired of people being mean to me. Ooh let's ride the space capsule tonight! We can snatch people's teeth! Chrissie is obsessed with Freddie cause she thinks he is sexy, even though he isn't. Will you look at that! She is checking him out from her view! Ooh gross! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala Loafers! Candy! Apple! Grace!"  
And that was just the craziest signature I got in my school yearbook. I have got two more that come to show how very weird people turn when I am around. "I can't believe you are making me write in purple -Gary" and "I hope your dream of becoming a wild cow comes true. You act like one, to let you know. Just kidding -Jennifer" and so on so forth. Some might be a little too complex for people's minds, or for normal people who are not used to be around escapees from the mental institute (Grace and me). The best thing is, the title of the yearbook cracks me up, since it makes no sense and it's as lame as this: "over 1000 flavors" meaning all the different people in my old school (since I am going to High School). So funny! Well I shouldn't say, because my friend Eden was in the yearbook staff. But, many apologies to Eden, I'm laughing it. I have seen better, Like last year's: Paws and look around. Paws because our mascot is a panther. Best thing, in the dance, they drew an orange panther. Gary said it was the cheerleaders who had drew the kitty, so it was no wonder why the panther was orange. (A/N no offense to any cheerleader out there, that is just what he said) I guess they meant a tiger, but then realized our mascot is a panther, and not a tiger.  
Another thing about our yearbook, is that last year's, they put questions they asked students (one of them was "how do you know when it's time to wash your p.e. clothes?" one of the students, Cailin, answered "when they run and do the track by themselves." Another one replied "when you have green mold growing from the armpits." Now that was some fun). Instead, this year's, they asked only eight graders, and they asked things like "What are the advantages and disadvantages of the recent population explosion at El Roble? It looks like we are going to Woodstock when we are walking out to run the mile." Or another: "There is less space for me to frolic!" or "You think that people say your name more often; but they don't". Oh give me a break! You are the recent explosion of population at El Roble, how can you diss yourselves!? My God, it seems they don't think anymore. Of course neither do I! But that is not the point.  
It is also funny how much popularity rules a school. They say it doesn't, and that being popular does no good to you, but trust me, it does. For instance, in this yearbook you will not find nor see a person that is not popular in a picture, that is not your face's picture. And trust me, of all the pictures in there (one too many) the same popular crowd is photographed over and over again. Unfair, is what I say. They took three pictures of my friends, and my class, and they are all gone like gone with the wind. Guess that if you don't have Roxy or Hurley's shirts on, and don't look like a Barbie, then you may not be in a picture, because you are not "cool". AHEM, read my lips: DON'T CARE. I am just showing the unfairness of the community. That is why I am writing all these weird things; to get back at the preps. Half the population of my high school are freaks, including me. And for the best, we are growing at the speed of light. At least the pollution of the school will be fun, and not preppy! (Oh by the way I'm not insulting or criticazing in any way preppy people, because everybody can be whatever they feel like being. Even so, if you have a comment to direct to me, call 1-800-I-don't-care and make an appointment with my lawyer Tom M. Riddle, also known as Lord Voldemort, You- know-who, and He-who-must-not-be-named) 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
Yes I am back to hunt your dreams and make fun of all of you out there. Ok so I am back to prove just how much the freak population is growing. Take my group of friends for example. We are Hannah, Chrissie (my siamese twin sister born a month after me), Haleigh (my cousin, sister-in- law, and sister), Sam, Gary, Grace (my partner in crime at the Tooth Fairy Network, and foster sister), Whitney (who names her boobs and "cheeks"), Nikky, Becky (although she is one of the normal humans), Ben (who is just a normal punk), and finally me. Well, my sophomore friend Airika, who considers herself the Chief-In-Command Fairy Prostitute, is in the Yearbook staff and she says that they are thinking of taking a picture of us at lunch-time because we are the craziest group of freaks they have ever seen. Isn't that awesome?! Comes to show just how crazy these people think we are!  
  
Now I shall explain how my family works. This is something you might want to take notes for, because it is quite complicated. Ok let's start with me and my siamese twin sister Chrissie. Our mom was Lily Potter, and we know that because she had us months after she was dead. You see, the Ministry of Magic kept her at Mundungus Hospital because we were alive inside her tummy! So, after eight months passed, I was born on June 22, 1988. But since we were siamese sisters, I was just kinda hanging out there by my left foot (comes to explain why it is bigger than my right foot). Then, a month after, on July 30th, 1988 Chrissie was born. Our father was Lord Voldemort's dad, Tom Riddle, son of Marvolo Riddle. They were having an affair and we are the product of it. Now we are special because we are half Lord Voldemort's sisters and half Harry Potter's sister, so we are pretty powerful ourselves. We have this weird connection from Voldemort's brain, so we sorta share some of his neat powers! Yay!  
  
Anyway, Grace comes next. We don't know exactly where she came from, but her parents must have been pretty crazy 'cause she is totally insane! She is our foster sister, for we adopted her, not our parents. I was brought up by different parents, apart from Chrissie's. We only just found out we were related a year ago! Anywho, next comes Ryan. He is our cousin, but has been married to Chrissie, Hannah, and me a bunch of times. They had 1000 children (born every eight minutes), 999 of them working at Burger King, and only one, smart enough to work at Apple's. But as for right now, we are all divorced, and I am the priestess who married them all, Chrissie is his sex slave (not really, don't think wrong of us!), and Hannah is just there.meh. He was supposed to be Dudley, except he lost a big amount of weight, and it turns out he was half Japanese, and he got a little bit too nasty minded. That's what happens when you find out you are related to a pair of mixed creepy families.*ahem*  
  
Next comes my dear Haleigh. She is my sister in law because she married my newly found foster brother Freddie (otherwise known as Jade in the HP stories). They were pregnant, except she lost the baby so yeah. She is my cousin because she is Charity's cousin and Charity says I'm also her cousin. She is also my sister because she declares herself to be Chrisie's sister, so that makes us sisters as well, and also Grace's sister, which makes her Charity's step-cousin, or something like that. Grace and me are the Tooth Fairies that work at the Tooth Fairy Network (along with Airika) up in Rainbow Valley. My drunk grandma gave us our jobs so that's pretty clear. We steal people's teeth to later give them to Eminem, so that he can create his crazy band of fans, that will later on buy his c.d.'s and make him rich. I also own my own Tooth Paste Factory, which is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and once a month.  
  
Our daily activities are as follows: When the lunch bell rings, we happily come forth for a fun time! We have our little audience, that like to throw pieces of chicken and carrots and maybe even some drinks at us, just for the sake of it. The only things we do is run around, screaming quite loudly, cause lots of attention, despair, chaos, and most of all fun. Without fun, we wouldn't exist, and without us our audience wouldn't be able to throw their food scraps at us. We are also part of the circle of mafias as well! I found the Italian Mafia, which now belongs to my dearest friend Diana. She is also head of the Sicilian Mafia and the French Mafia. I am head of the German Mafia, the Spanish Mafia, the British Mafia, and the Greek Mafia (kindly given to me by Diana). The rest of the people (excluding Grace, who is part of Diana's mafias and mine) are part of the Mozambican Mafia. Alas, I almost forgot! Sean is the Iceland Mafia, which likes to attack me with flying pink monkeys, and Gary is the Irish Mafia, which I don't like because he thinks he's better than my British Mafia (quite uncertain). As part of any of these mafias, you will kindly wear these messages: We aim to please, we arrange funerals for your friends, and we kill for your will.  
  
To end this madness, I shall post a funny conversation I had with my dear friend Tyler, who resides in Washington (I like to call him Washington Apple.although he doesn't know this): T8y8: Are you well?  
  
CykoKatz24: DADDY!!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: you hate me, brother!  
  
CykoKatz24: we're breaking up, I can't stand you anymore, Tyler!!  
  
T8y8: I don't hate you  
  
T8y8: ok  
  
T8y8: I can accept that  
  
CykoKatz24: I love you!!! NO!! yes!!! NO!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: STOP IT STOP IT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: *screams*  
  
T8y8: ARE YOU OK???????????  
  
CykoKatz24: *sips sulfur tea* oh yeah *shivers*  
  
T8y8: ok  
  
T8y8: Good  
  
CykoKatz24: *screams* what am I drinking????  
  
CykoKatz24: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH  
  
CykoKatz24: *faints*  
  
T8y8: now lie down on the couch and tell me what the problem began  
  
CykoKatz24:   
  
T8y8: *Grabs a bucket labeled 'in case of fainted patient*  
  
T8y8: *throws cold water on Monica*  
  
CykoKatz24: on floor?  
  
CykoKatz24: *opens eyes as wide as able*  
  
CykoKatz24: *floats*  
  
CykoKatz24: *screams like banshee* I AM POSSESED BY THE DEVIL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
T8y8: ok  
  
T8y8: Hypnosis  
  
CykoKatz24: *turns to attack him*  
  
CykoKatz24: *turns  
  
CykoKatz24: *grabs neck*  
  
CykoKatz24: *chokes*  
  
T8y8: *swings pocket watch*  
  
T8y8: You are getting sleepy  
  
CykoKatz24: oohhh SHINY!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: *grabs it*  
  
T8y8: VERY sleepy!!!!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: *pulls*  
  
T8y8: NOW FALL ASLEEP!!!!!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: *MINE!!!!!!*  
  
CykoKatz24: *pulls clock*  
  
T8y8: ASLEEP!!!  
  
T8y8: ASLEEP!  
  
T8y8: ASLEEP!! GOTO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: MINE!!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: MINE!!!!  
  
T8y8: You are falling into a deep trance  
  
T8y8: a very deep trace  
  
CykoKatz24: MY WATCH  
  
T8y8: you are becoming more relaxed  
  
CykoKatz24: NO!!!  
  
CykoKatz24: MY WATCH!!!  
  
T8y8: There are weights tied to your eyes  
  
T8y8: you cannot keep them open  
  
CykoKatz24: *eyes widen*  
  
T8y8: you are VERY relaxed  
  
T8y8: you are so relaxed you are in a trance  
  
CykoKatz24: *grabs his hair*  
  
CykoKatz24: GIMME WATCH!!!  
  
T8y8: Ok you can have it  
  
CykoKatz24: YAY!!  
  
CykoKatz24: *grabs it and stares at it, laughing*  
  
CykoKatz24: shiny.....shiny.....shiny...oooohhhh...shiny.....  
  
T8y8: ok  
  
CykoKatz24: shiny........  
  
CykoKatz24: *looks up*  
  
T8y8: yes shiny  
  
CykoKatz24: *eyes turn red*  
  
T8y8: shiny  
  
CykoKatz24: *shows fangs*  
  
CykoKatz24: *jerks arm*  
  
CykoKatz24: *grabs your leg and stays there*  
  
CykoKatz24: ahhhh I have to go hell is calling me!!!!  
  
T8y8: You need an actually trained psychologist  
  
T8y8: guy person  
  
CykoKatz24: *goes out of room screaming* BYE TYLER!!!! hahahahahaha 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: More Family-Critics-Brainless Dribble!  
  
Ok here we go then! You know you asked for it! This is specially dedicated to ASHIE because he said I never include him in any of my stories, and it was the biggest lie I've ever read.  
  
Ever wondered why only in America do banks open their doors to mostly anybody (except a hobo with no money and who keeps gold tucked inside his teeth) and chain their pens to the counter? Or how people go to In-n-Out (yeah!!) and order a double-double with everything, (including grilled onions-yum!), huge french fries and a huge diet Pepsi? If you're gonna order the whole fattening thing order a freaking normal Pepsi for crying out loud! And why does your hair lighten under the sun but your skin gets tanned? UH? Bet you can't answer that! HA! O.o I knew I'd get you there mi amigo!  
  
These are only half the questions that I wonder every day, and also Gary, who by the way sent me these. Point is his mum (who sent him these that he later sent me that I later sent everybody in my list) got it from a wise thinker! Yes she did! Somebody, somewhere, ponders these same puzzles, and I am determined to unscramble them! Ok then, people take advantage of every single deal that will cost nothing and give them more money in the banks, so the bank peeps, tired of getting stepped on, decided to take away the fabulous privilege of taking home with you a bank pen. And by doing this, they're taking away importance from you because everybody used to gape at your marvelous bank pen. Unfair? I think so too. And the sun, since it's a sushipoo (who by the way has decided to explode, killing all of us in a billion years) thought about making you look a shade darker (or to maybe even burn your baby-soft skin! *gasp*) so that he could laugh at your suffering (if it's the burned skin case). And also at your grumpiness when you find out you did the exact same opposite as Michael Jackson, without your consent. If you can't handle the truth then nobody may eat your socks, Wesley!!  
  
By the way, talking about the devil, did you see what Jackson did with his baby son in Germany? Dude, me and my brother used to be gigantic fans of his, and ever since he turned a shade crazier I've decided to back off. I mean who in their mind would 1) Grab a baby without holding its head, 2) sway him around an open balcony, and 3) cover its head with a blanket??! They baby could have fallen out, (or fly if he's Superman) or suffocated with the blanket thingy covering his nosey and mouthie!! Like a psychologist once said. (after watching what crazy-loony-cracker-head Jackson did) "Jackson is so crazy he got kicked out of the rehab center, and Hannibal shrieked when he saw Jackson approaching him to give him an autograph." The truth sometimes bites.  
  
Anyways, getting back to the point of chapter five, me and my friends have decided to make (yes I said make, as in oblige) more people join our little Family. Now, Grace said she wanted Richard (from Covina.HEY!) as her brother, so he is now officially Chrissie's and my foster brother, Grace's brother, Haleigh's foster brother-in-law, and Ryan's ex-foster-brother-in- law. Wow that took me three seconds to come up with! I'm smarter than Haleigh thinks! *wink*  
  
Now, with my fave boy, Harry Potter. Now I've read very harsh critics about him, or rather the movie, but some were funny. For example; one critic said that harry was always wining his fights with my bro, Lord Voldie, because his parents did it for him. Um hello? HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD YOU MORON!! They might give him interior strength to do all the good deeds he does, but, man, he isn't a good-for-nothing little brat! *roars and launches to bite the critic* There was another story clipping about a case of rapidly-spreading lice in the set of the second movie. And they had titled it "Hairy Potter". well I must confess that that was funny, but not the "Will Potter be bald now?" *scratches the author's leg* Anyways, and what about a little, er, joke-comment that a guy from the HP movie business said about the "young actors"? It goes like "'We're experimenting with cryogenic techniques to simply freeze the actors until we're ready to go again, but so far there's no scientific evidence to suggest that it's a workable plan.'" ER. Um can I imagine a sixteen year old me, drooling over a thirteen year old Dan Radcliffe like I'm doing right now? Can you imagine how unnerving it is going to be for an eccentric person like me?? CAN YOU?? *faint* I really don't know what's going to happen to the movies. They're even thinking about making two Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movies. This British-Americans wannabe's. *tsk tsk*  
  
Anyway, me and Haleigh are now fighting again because she can't take the fact that I am married to Tom Felton (and have two wonderful kids, Rudy (12) and Katy (14) with him), and she declares that he visits HER because I am boring. I am anything, I repeat, ANYTHING but boring, OK? I can pull a joke out of nowhere, and make people laugh at it!! But we all know that what she says is pure jealousy talking. Because we all know that me and Tom are a happy couple. *ahem* By they way, I forgot to talk about my wonderful children! SHAME on me! Ok well, it goes this way (as Rudy told me): It happened when I was born a month before my siamese twin sister, and was hanging out there by my left foot. By the time I got inseminated (you know what that is, just don't ask) (from Tom, of course, who by that time was about ten months or so older) I was only two months old. You see I didn't get it either, but Rudy informed me that the government has MANY secrets so that really explains everything. Anyway, back to the script, so Katy was born only two months after I, you know, had the whole thing. Weird, but that's the CIA stuff. So, when I was about a year and nearly half old, I was going through the same CIA procedure as with Katy, and Rudy was born nine months afterwards. Of course, neither me nor Tom knew about this, and my parents took care of them. I only found out they were MY kids in June of this very year! But of course, it doesn't really matter, because me and Tom had been in "love" since like January of last year, so it really makes no difference. so when we found out about our kids we got married, and that's it really. But of course, Haleigh is jealous, and Chrissie and Grace are happy because they're aunties, and so is Richard, the "uncleie" (hehehe). It's a Utopia we live in! (A/N: if EVER someone from the cast of HP reads this and like sends me a message or something, I swear I'll blush so badly it'll last for a month, and you'll find me eating pieces of fluff, hiding under my covers, and whatnot.)  
  
Anyways I hope I fulfilled your cravings for more stupidity through my writing! 


	7. Chapter 7

"Follow the spiders. follow the spiders. why couldn't we just follow the butterflies?!"  
  
--Ron Weasley  
  
Chapter 7: Fruitless Turkey-day Thoughts  
  
Hello peeps! Mamma Monnie is back. heh. anyways the only things I'm going to post today are some very wise reasons, or methods to diss two characters that are much alike in their, er, own ways:  
  
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!!!! (what, you mean Voldie-poo?)  
  
And  
  
OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!! (what, you mean that hairy man who is hiding Voldie-poo inside his turban like Quirrel once did?)  
  
Yes, I do mean those two cracker-heads. I found these 100 ways to diss these two lunatics on the internet. The one of my brother, Tom M. Riddle I found at mugglenet.com because they are very great, wise, big, and crazy, like me *cough*. And the Hairy-man one (aka Laden) I was emailed by my dearest friend Sam-the-Man. By the way, Gary also thinks they're funy so I thought I'd post 'em and give y'all a laugh. So *sigh* here they are!  
  
50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort  
  
Or, 50 ways to considerably shorten your lifespan  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.  
  
2. Ask him if he has any grey poupon.  
  
3. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."  
  
4. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'  
  
5. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.  
  
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.  
  
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.  
  
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.  
  
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath, and why he over-does his make-up so much.  
  
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.  
  
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.  
  
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.  
  
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'  
  
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'  
  
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.  
  
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.  
  
17. Be cheerful.  
  
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'  
  
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.  
  
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'  
  
21. Teach him how to spit tobacco.  
  
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'  
  
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.  
  
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.  
  
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....  
  
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?  
  
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.  
  
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'  
  
29. Tell him he should really try the 12-step program (baby steps) for Evil Overlords - Evil Overlords Anonymous.  
  
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.  
  
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.  
  
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.  
  
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'  
  
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.  
  
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.  
  
36. Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'  
  
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.  
  
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'  
  
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.  
  
40. Buy him a stress ball.  
  
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.  
  
42. Call him Tommy-boy.  
  
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.  
  
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.  
  
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'  
  
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.  
  
47. Teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.  
  
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.  
  
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.  
  
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'  
  
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair  
  
1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.  
  
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"  
  
3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.  
  
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.  
  
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.  
  
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.  
  
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.  
  
8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.  
  
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.  
  
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.  
  
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.  
  
12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.  
  
13. Mine his bathroom.  
  
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".  
  
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.  
  
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.  
  
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.  
  
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.  
  
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."  
  
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.  
  
21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."  
  
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.  
  
23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.  
  
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.  
  
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.  
  
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.  
  
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.  
  
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.  
  
29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube.  
  
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.  
  
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.  
  
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.  
  
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.  
  
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.  
  
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. 36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.  
  
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"  
  
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.  
  
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."  
  
40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."  
  
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.  
  
42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.  
  
43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*  
  
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.  
  
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.  
  
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.  
  
47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.  
  
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.  
  
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.  
  
50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"  
  
Now are these peeps crazy or what? This is what I call 'good torturing, crazy entertainment' and not what Martha Stewarts does in her spare time! 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Chain Letters!  
  
Okay, so don't you get annoyed by those goddamned chain letters that your friends (or enemies) send you, because they think it's funny, and actually think it'll work? (Or because they hate you to death and want to annoy you for ever and ever 'til the end, when you die of a heart attack, and then they will laugh at your dead ass.) Well, my friend ASHIE (formerly known as Iankiens, Ian, Good Boy, or "fourth sexiest man alive wanna-be) sent me this made up chain letter, that made me laugh (even though he sent it to me last week, I just read it when I pasted it down *cheesy grin*) and thought I'd put it up here, to make you all see what's really behind those cheesy chain-good-luck-yeah-right-letters that you have in your inbox. (Unless you're a freak with no computer whatsoever, and think the internet is Satan Claws, and not Santa Claus, which comes to be the same thing anyways)  
  
So Merry Satan-X-mas and read on for the laugh of the day!!  
  
^_^  
  
Subject: Chain letter from HECK! (So I'm an idiot. Sue me.)  
  
This really works! I made it myself, then tried, and it really worked! It's a miracle! Get a piece of paper and number it from 1 to a million hundred ZILLION  
  
By each number, write an answer to the questions below.  
  
1. Simplify: 10x*7x+9+(10x-yxz)  
  
2. What is your favorite color?  
  
3. How many spawns of Satan are there?  
  
4. Are you a flesheater?  
  
5. Is Ian an idiot?  
  
6. Error #120: Reality.sys corrupt. Universe failure. Earth reboot (y/n)?  
  
7. Do monkeys have toes?  
  
8. How many stars are there?  
  
9. What is the square root of A ZILLION!?  
  
10. A train leaves Boston travelling due east at 45555555555552.3 miles an hour. Another train leaves El Paso travelling due North-north-south-west at .001 miles an hour. When, where, how will they meet? What movie will they see? AM I AN IDIOT?  
  
Now think of a wish. Thinking of it? Good. Now scroll down and think of it!  
  
I  
  
I h  
  
I ha  
  
I hat  
  
I hate  
  
I hate y  
  
I hate yo  
  
I hate you  
  
I hate you a  
  
I hate you an  
  
I hate you and  
  
I hate you and y  
  
I hate you and yo  
  
I hate you and you  
  
I hate you and your  
  
I hate you and your l  
  
I hate you and your li  
  
I hate you and your lit  
  
I hate you and your litt  
  
I hate you and your littl  
  
I hate you and your little  
  
I hate you and your little d  
  
I hate you and your little do  
  
I hate you and your little dog  
  
I hate you and your little dog t  
  
I hate you and your little dog to  
  
I hate you and your little dog too  
  
I hate you and your little dog to  
  
I hate you and your little dog t  
  
I hate you and your little dog  
  
I hate you and your little do  
  
I hate you and your little d  
  
I hate you and your little  
  
I hate you and your littl  
  
I hate you and your litt  
  
I hate you and your lit  
  
I hate you and your li  
  
I hate you and your l  
  
I hate you and your  
  
I hate you and you  
  
I hate you and yo  
  
I hate you and y  
  
I hate you and  
  
I hate you an  
  
I hate you a  
  
I hate you  
  
I hate yo  
  
I hate y  
  
I hate  
  
I hat  
  
I ha  
  
I h  
  
I  
  
Made your wish? Well, you're a moron, because it ain't gonna come true because this is just an e-mail! But here's some stories about people who believed chain e-mails  
  
Take little Jimmy F. Cornfield. He was your average kid, had lotsa friends and made bad grades because he was always doing chain e-mails. Well, one day he got on AOL to check his e-mail, and he got this one. Thinking, 'what the heck?' and sent a copy to all his friends. Well, the next day he was mobbed in the school courtyard for sending crap chain e-mails like this that wasted peoples time and was immediately kicked out of school because he was now a loser and he was avoided like he had the plague and he lost all his money.  
  
Now, Tanya. Yes, Tanya was a smart girl. She was popular, and a good cheerleader, and she had 4 boyfriends and she lost her virginity to a 50 year old guy when she was 14! Now, Tanya was one of the 'beautiful' people. She had never had a zit, and she had never broken a bone. Well, one day, she got this e-mail, and deleted it because she's too stupid to read anything written by IAN. Well, the next day there was a huge pimple on her face, and everyone called her pimple face, and she was a social outcast, and then she fell off a stampeding rhino and broke her tibia, so she was rushed to the hospital. While there, they decided to pop her pimple, but it was so horrendous it defended it's own honor, and then it popped and EVERYONE DIED. The end.  
  
And then there was Timothy R. Humplebottom. He was your average kid, not popular, but not unpopular. He had his share of friends, and was generally a good guy. Well, he got this e-mail. 'what the heck?', he though. He hated chain e-mails. Well, the next day his dad was fired from his job as a...doctor! Yea! And then his mom died in a HORRIBLE car accident (she lost an arm and a leg, and her left kidney, and they had to put her down because she went rabid from the disease of the leprosy.) Then his cat turned out to be a Nazi! And his cat killed his mom! And then his dad died after 'losing me hand in da waaaar'! He died from the disease of the CANCER! Then his cat killed his mom! Then the girl he had a crush on kicked him down south of the border in the middle of the school play! And then his cat killed his dad! Then his cat turned out to be a Nazi! And they had to put his cat down! But the vet was a Nazi! And the cat and the vet were actually in league together, and they wreaked horrible havoc on the town! Only Timothy could stop them! But Timothy was killed by his cat! And the two Nazi- controlling-mind-bender-FREAKS killed EVERYONE! If Timothy had only not sent that e-mail... then everyone would still be dead because this is just an e-mail!  
  
So I bet you're thinking, 'if horrible luck will befall me either way, what do I do?' well, the answer is NOTHING. Because this is just an e-mail, and it doesn't matter either way!  
  
So keep this e-mail going! I made it in 1347 and it's been going on ever since! There have been some reported cases of good things happening, but don't get your hopes up.  
  
If you send this to 4 zillion kajillion people in 5 minutes, then your wish you made earlier most likely won't come true! Now send it on! (Or you could just send it to your friends because I'm funny! *cheesy grin*)  
  
1 person- You found this funny and sent it to a friend to laugh at.  
  
2-4 people- you have more friends then the person who only sent it to one person  
  
5-9 people- You are incredibly stupid and think luck will befall you  
  
10-4 zillion kajillion people- You have NO life whatsoever! And how is it possible to have that many friends? How many of them are real? Huh? HUH?!  
  
Answer me that!  
  
There are three points to this e-mail:  
  
1. S**t happens. If you get a chain e-mail, don't send it on. A stupid e-mail is not gonna change whether or not you get a girlfriend. Make the world a better place, and delete them.  
  
2. STOP SENDING ME CHAIN E-MAILS!!!!!! ERGH ARGH NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!  
  
3. I'm an idiot.  
  
These Washington people give you stupid yet jolly entertainment!  
  
Now I want YOU (*Uncle Sam's finger points at you out of nowhere*) to answer these questions when YOU (*Uncle Sam pokes your eye since he is so close to you it's scary*) review this chapter!!!! OK??? GOOD BOY/GIRL/BOTH/UNKNOWN!!! *Pats your head* 


	9. Chapter 9

(Dedicated to my dearest friend Tyler, who had his birthday the other day, so this is my bday gift!)  
  
Chapter 9: The Birthday Party I'd throw for Tyler!  
  
How many of you have done something crazy in a sane place? Say you were at the supermarket and when your mom dragged you to the toilet paper isle, you thought the toilet rolls could come to life and wrap themselves around you? Then, you started freaking out slowly and then had the sudden (GREAT) idea of grabbing as many bottles of root beer as you could find and spraying them around the toilet paper isle, to make the paper weak and stinky? Then, a ray of divine light came upon you from above your head, and a deep voice called out your name, and said-  
  
-"Susie, you're a wussy, but since you killed the evil toilet paper, I hereby give you the divine gift of idiocy. Use it well, Susie, for it only given to certain SPECIAL people."  
  
Well, lemme tell you something, "Sussie", you did the right thing, by killing all those toilet paper rolls. Would you like to know why I am so proud of you, Sussie? Because toilet paper indeed is alive!! (*Dramatic music in background*) And if your mom got mad at you, Sussie, for saving the world from toilet paper, screw her! Sussie, you should be given the Jackass Star Award for being such a hero!  
  
So anyway, have you ever thought of how to throw the goddamn best birthday party ever for one of your dearest friends, or simply for you?? Well, Monkeycakes (that'd be me, people, ME!) is here to save your day! Monkeycakes has put up a great list of things you can do to start being called a freak! How wickedly odd does that appeal to you, eh? Well, say that a friend of yours named TYLER was home alone and bored to death. On his 14th birthday! Oh dear Lord! Well, this is something I'd do to make Tyler's day the most crazy, er, I mean special of his life! (Not, it is not bringing an almost naked woman inside a gigantic birthday cake, and making her dance wildly around his face. That'd scare poor Tyler.):  
  
STEP ONE- PLANNING YOUR EVIL DEEDS  
  
The Yellow pages is your friend. The Yellow pages is your friend. THE YELLOW PAGES IS YOUR FRIEND, I TELL YOU! Yes, so why don't you read the whole book, just for the fun of it? Maybe you'll see something appealing to you. I've decided on mine, so shut up and listen. Okay, well since Tyler will NEVER get mad at ANYBODY (not even at me, people, and that's a hard thing to do, I might add.), I decided to call up one of those inflatable castle thingies, that little kids always have in their backyards. I've decided to plant one of those giant castles, because Tyler is known to me as "O-King-SIRE Lord of this Land", and I am (as he named me) "A Beautiful Maiden with Long Hair, that Runs Through the Corn Field", so it makes a lot of sense to me. Anyway, so that's done. Next, the food. YUM! Well, since I have no idea what his favourite food is, I've decided that for him. I'll set up a table full of the following:  
  
Cheese covered chocolates  
  
Mt. Dew mixed with Gatorade  
  
Sponge Bob Square pants crackers covered in moldy donkey skin  
  
Ramen soup, and Chinese food, because Chinese food rocks my socks  
  
After Eight minties, just for the sake of not eating them after eight  
  
Weezer shaped candy canes, covered with Mexican cheese  
  
And a little bit of just everything you find in my fridge!  
  
STEP 2- INVITING PEOPLE  
  
Oh this is probably the easiest step I've ever written. Grab a handful of toilet paper. Write that whoever (insert name here) is invited to (insert bday person's name here)'s party, and that they better come, or else Monica will hit them with River Cuomo's guitar. Then proceed to throw the toilet paper around whoever's house you're trying to invite, and wait 'til they show up at the party. See how easy I make it look?  
  
STEP 3- PARTYING!  
  
This is, of course the last step, as you can see. Ugh I smell mashed potatoes. Anyway, well you should wear your most putrid dress, your most icky-looking shoes, and a hairdo that screams "DO NOT GET ANY CLOSER!" Make peeps take off their shoes and wear balloon-like shoes, to see if your experiment works (the experiment is to see if anybody thin enough takes off in the balloon-like shoes and gets lost in space). Place the gifts on a lonely table, and go away, looking for Tyler and party with him because it's his birthday and he deserves it!  
  
So I hope that my little guide helped you so, and notice that Tyler already had his bday party, and I couldn't attend such because he lives up north and I'm stuck in LA. *sigh*  
  
(A/N Chapter 10 will have some Pg 13 stuff so think twice if you're under the age of a zitrillion years. aka 13, ok? I am not responsible, and I'll even put it up at the start of chapter 10!) 


	10. Xmas Special!

MY VERY MERRY SHIT-X-MAS SPECIAL!!! Special Guests: Airika, Caitlan, Nikky and Tyler! PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13 PG 13!!!!!!!  
  
(A/N "tis the time to turn back and read something else if you're under the age of 13, peeps! I repeat, this has some "mild language", so GET OUT BABIES!! Now let's proceed.)  
  
Well, well, well, 'tis that time of year again. where people turn greedy, ugly, gain about a zitrillion pounds, give away ugly gifts with no purpose whatsoever, and get pretty shit for themselves. Would you like to know what I'm getting for my peeps named special guests? Well, for Airika I'm getting her a huge ass-o, for Caitlan she'll have fat legs , Nikky's getting the double chin, Tyler's gonna get the 20 extra pounds!(and for my other friends who were gonna do this too, but didn't hand in their part)for Anna a huge bloated tummy, and Eric is gonna get the Jell-O-like extra fat EVERYWHERE (eeeew-I'm sorry Eric!) How charming are my presents?  
  
Well, I went around asking my most funny friends about some paragraphs describing their messed up thoughts about X-mas. Well, since I was in the middle of a mind war about whose paragraph would go first, I'll just calm down my other seven personalities, and put the comments in alphabetical order.makes it easier for idiots to comprehend and for imbeciles like me to type!  
  
But first let me get you into the whole deal of why Christmas isn't a holy, merry, fun, loving, happy season. First, we got the hole shit with the bible (A/N If you're religious, please note that my parents are too, and are pressing on about how I am catholic, and I'm pressing on about how I'm nothing; so if you feel this comment is wrong, either skip this part, or go elsewhere). We have no clue whatsoever as to who wrote the bible. maybe a crazy lunatic (with a mind kinda like mine) wrote it as a bed-time story to chase away evil demons (kinda like all of us here). Or maybe it was all part of an evil clan to drive away talking cats with fluffy clown- like shoes. I don't know. The point is we don't even know if the whole Jesus-was-born-on-Christmas-day thing is true or not. So Caitlan, Anna and me totally agree in this theory, we are so Anarchist! Hell yeah baby! Next comes "Santa Claus"; I meant to say Satan Claws. Why Satan Claws? Heh, 'tis easy my brotha. He is just another Boogie-man, ready to eat our livers, steal our money, and posses the confidence of our children, my man! 'Tis another trick of the government to suck out our beliefs in talking mushrooms, and pixie dust! Yes, yes, so now that you sort of have an idea of what you are about to get into, let's get this over with, shall we?  
  
First, we have Airika, a happy bipolar 15 year old chick, who sits in front of me in Art Class, 3rd period, and who has something to say about her XXX-mas experience-  
  
"'Twas the day before XXX-mas (*wink*). Airika (me) had lots of sexual deeds. I had to walk down Sugar Booger Street because Ms. Piggy wanted to play "Catch the Piglet that Ran Away". I was so excited but when I turned on the street Suck my Bells that Jingle Ave. I ran into Catdog (They are my boyfriends). So I told them I needed to go down to Smelly Shit Fish Market! They believed my evil story! BWHAHAHA! And left me alone! Then Ms. Piggy played a naughty game with raw bacon, I cannot say because my child, Harry Potter, is sucking my boob right now (he still gets breastfeed, SHHH don't tell!). Oh my! I just gave birth to the ugliest thing I've ever seen! Oh my God it's so fucking ugly I'll name it Monica Coy Miras! HA HA!!! 2 be continued next year!  
  
p.s. Oww! Harry bit my nipple."  
  
And that was Airika, ladies and gentlemen! Wasn't that lovely? She named her beautiful child after me. I thought so. So anyway, right now I'm jumping around my parents room excitedly, kinda like a fruitcake.!!! YAY!!! Ok, let's go on with Lemon's paragraph, shall we? Next we have the tale of my dearest friend Bettie Page, aka Caitlan, who today (12-20) got a bouquet of roses from her boyfriend.*big aww sound* Ok so anyway, I'll stop embarrassing her and get on with her very educational paragraph.  
  
This is what our dear friend Bettie Page told me-  
  
"*Anarchist "A"* Anti-X-mas!! (I BELIEVE IN ANARCHY!!)  
  
*MARYLIN MANSON blaring in the background*  
  
Satan Claws is evil!! Cactus (which would be me, Monkeycakes) says Satan Claws is going to eat everyone's livers!! Wait a minute. I got that all wrong! It's SANTA CLAUS who's evil. not Sugar!!  
  
Seriously though, Santa Claus is just used to regulate children's behavior, much like "The Antichrist", "The Beast of Revelation" is a nonexistent Christian Boogie man used to scare people into being sheep!!!  
  
Winter break is really spiffy though!!! I get to sit around in my chili pepper Pj's pants and "devil's" sweatshirt. Reading "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" comics, drinking Kool Aid, of course, listening to MARYLIN MANSON!!! On my cheetah print slippers at midnight and going to the kitchen to sneak cold sugar cookie dough!!! (A/N Even though me and Sean told her it may contain salmonella, we got rid of her cold sugar cookie dough fetish) But other than that CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!! I am anti X-mas and really fucking proud of it!!!  
  
Love, Bettie Page  
  
P.s. MARYLIN MANSON RAWKS MY SOX!!!"  
  
I think my dearest friend made her point of her sugar cookie dough fetish and her Marylin Manson fetish, which is an evil intergalactic plan to fill our minds with his awesome music and convert the world to Marylin Manson. Which is, of course, working on me. We don't need to nullify!! Er, sorry I am listening to System of a Down right now, so if I put down weird lyrics that have nothing to do with this, pardon my dumbness *bows*.  
  
Now with Nikky's account of Shit-Xmas!!!-  
  
"Nikky was walking down the street on christmas eve. Usually, christmas is a good time of year. This year, it just sucked. Sure, there were a lot of presents under the tree, but Nikky just wanted to spend time with family and stop fighting. That never happend though. So on christmas, everyone sat down to an table full of invisible food that nobody cooked and watched her parents yell back and forth at each other, while everyone else was having christmas. They soon enough ran into the kitchen and began waddling like ducks and cursing at each other. Nikky walked away and went to bed at two o clock PM. None of her friends called her to say merry xmas or anything. Then her mom went to work at two fourty five. *Merry Christmas* "  
  
Oh didn't you just feel that?? I know I did! That was a lsad account, Nikky- poo, that was! YOU SHOULD ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT, SHEESH!!! PLEASE, shut up, stop eating MY chocllate covered socks, and read Tyler's paragraph, because it shows what truly, seriously, like totally, what I DON'T do in X-mas.or any time of the year anyway..-  
  
People gather at Christmas, for one purpose, to receive gifts, but that's not the reason of Christmas, it's a time for family, friends, loved ones. A time for giving, a time for happiness, a time when everyone cares about each other, when they actually will help that poor man on the corner, when they gladly help the person in front of them make at the checkout make up the dollar difference that they don't have. Christmas is a time that we all love one another [no one take that the wrong way]. So why do we all stress out at this time? Because, the adults, no offense, have lost the true meaning, worrying about if you got everything for everyone. Worrying about what to serve, if everyone will be happy. It's up to the new generation, us, the kids, to spread the true joy, so go, and spread it.  
  
"We are prepared for any unseen event that may or may not occur," - George W. Bush Until another Day.......  
Tyler Doyle  
  
Well, this has been Monkeycakes' X-mas special! Thanks to everybody for their magnificent, sulky paragraphs (JK)I sincerely hope you have a great x-mas, and don't forget to drink lotsa wine, eat lotsa cookies, and fax me your address so that I can go over and steal all your x- mas presents!!! Now let's sing that so traditional X-mas song, "Jingle.the Bells of Hell"!! Remodeled by ME, and Bettie Page, and Noodle!!-  
  
Jingle the Bells of Hell (x2)  
  
Fuck you all the way!  
  
Oh what fun it is to run over  
  
Grace and Lemon with my Corvette!  
  
Jingle the bells of hell (x2)  
  
Fuck you all the way  
  
Oh what fun it is to bitch at  
  
People all day!  
  
Dashing through the crowd, wearing my  
  
Pink Tinkerbells,  
  
O'er the peeps Tyler shot my handgun all the way!  
  
BOOM BOOM BOOM!  
  
Caitlan raped Manson, Eric choked again,  
  
What fun it is to see how Airika and Nikky Stumbled and fell 'gain! HEY!  
  
(Chorus x2)  
  
If you eat yourself, where will you end up?  
  
Your bladder, nose your thighs?  
  
Oh! Hear the screaming sounds tonight!  
  
(Chorus x2) 


	11. Chapter 11

Fictional characters and Music Bands  
  
Mmhm. Have you ever imagined what would happen if you stuffed Korn and The Spice Girls (or what's left of them.) in a room and left them there, with an apple hanging from the ceiling as their only food? What about Eminem and Moby? Wow, that'd be what I call a cat fight!  
  
Eminem: Tiger-100 Moby: Plush Kitty-1  
  
As I'm sure you Moby fans like him. We, Eminem fans don't. well maybe one song, but that's about it. I swear I wasn't one of them guys who attacked him.. *looks around the room nervously* Anyway, what I'm here to tell is that weird mixes with music bands and groups, and singers and fictional characters and such, could make a great soap opera for all of you out there pissed off because "Saved By the Bell" isn't on anymore. Nothing like those jerks from the WB, with their little show with all those stars from the 80's. *dark muttering*  
  
*Waves that aside* As I once said, "there's nothing like a pillow to have fun", or was it my best friend who said that? Oh well, here's a couple of conversations I just came up with, and I'm sure they will please your ego. The first one has Harry Potter (course) and System of a Down (more than of course):  
  
Harry Potter: H-hello. who are you?  
  
Daron Malakian: Well, I think the question is who are we all?  
  
Serj Tankian: Never mind that boy, we are all the components of System of a Down, official protectors of people's rights, and against any kind of war.  
  
Harry Potter: O_O  
  
Shavo Ddadjian: You know, SOAD!  
  
HP: AH! Wow.!. wait who?  
  
John Dolmayan: Never mind that boy! Who are you?  
  
HP: I am the greatest wizard boy, Harry Potter!  
  
ST: Ah, we heard of you when-  
  
HP: Because I am better than that Merlin ass, and so much better and realistic than the Lord of the Rings. and besides what's the point?? There's only one ring in the story why call if "Lord of the RINGS"??  
  
SD: O_O  
  
JD: Um okay kid, chill out. Is Voldemort into terrorism?  
  
HP: Um well you could call it terrorism.  
  
ST: Then we must defend you! We must make him see how very wrong war is! It only gives us death showers!! ".while millions are spent on bombs, creating death showers!"  
  
HP: Um ok, say your last prayers then.  
  
DM: Uh?  
  
HP: Here he comes.with a fruit basket.  
  
DM: They look more like guns to me..  
  
HP: Oh trust me, they are fruits..  
  
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!  
  
I hopefully hope you got the sarcasm on these last lines here. Next, is a dialogue between Christina Aguilera and Marylin Manson (whohoo!) This one is to my friend Bettie Page!  
  
Christina Aguilera: ".lets' get dirty."  
  
Marylin Manson: *comes in* What the fuck?! Who let this bitch come in here?!  
  
CA: AAH!! WHO THE HELL IS THAT??!!  
  
MM: What? Oh I'm sorry I was carrying my mirror, you must have seen yourself..  
  
CA: *glare* Well. so what are you?  
  
MM: What do you mean what am I?  
  
CA: well, who are you trying to be dressed like that? Do you live in Halloween Land or something?  
  
MM: Maybe, but at least I'm not as fake as a wedding cake.  
  
CA: And at least I like drugs and they like me.  
  
MM: O_o  
  
CA: What ya starin' at? My beautiful ass?  
  
MM: Ew.I'd rather be raped by Bettie Page (*wink*)  
  
CA: Who?  
  
MM: Shut up. Fuck off..  
  
CA: ..wha.?  
  
MM: (*as gone out of the room, looking for Bettie Page*)  
  
CA: Umm.. okay. *grabs a pillow*  
  
Heh, I hope that wasn't too weird or anything, but I seriously imagine that happening. It'd be cool! Anyway, the next one has Weezer (WHOHOO!) and Eminem. This one is for Eric, even though he is a retard. I'd like to see his face if he ever reads this.BWHAHAHAH!!!:  
  
Rivers Cuomo: *comes in followed by Brian Bell, Patrick Wilson, and Mikey Welsh*  
  
Eminem: *looks up from the PlayBoy Magazine*  
  
=w=: O_O  
  
Eminem: O_O  
  
=w=: *slowly walk out of the room*  
  
Eminem: *slowly goes back to "reading"*  
  
Yeah, I think I made my point. This one was so clear, wasn't it? I LOVE YOU ALL!!! That didn't go for you, you stupid plush kitties! That went for =w= and Em. Anyway, here's the last one, but never, EVER, the least. It has Las Ketchup (HELL YEAH WE SPANIARDS RULE!!!! WE'RE SO MUTHAFUCKINGLY AWESOME!!!!) and The Dixie Chicks (*puking*). Here it is!:  
  
Las Ketchup: ". Asereje, ja deje, tejebe tu dejerebe seuniboba, majabi and the bugui and the buidiripi!!."  
  
Dixie Chicks: What in the name of Bush are these women doing?! No, the question is, who the hell are they and what the heck are they speaking!?  
  
LK: Hola! Who are you, women dressed funny?  
  
DC: That's our question to you, missies!  
  
LK: *whispers* Tu entiendes algo de lo que estas están diciendo? Por que yo no tengo ni pajolera idea.. Um ladies, we are so sorry that we cannot speak any more with you, but we actually have concerts to do.  
  
DC: what? You think that we don't?! We just made a new song! HA!  
  
LK: Ah yes the one that's only on between 4 am and 4:05 am in KIIS FM?  
  
DC: O_O So what eh? You think you're so cool because your song was translated into a zitrillion languages.!?  
  
LK: *nod* AND our accent is sexy! *wink*  
  
DC: O_O I'm out.  
  
LK: *shrug*  
  
Sorry to all of the Dixie Chicks fans, but as this is my fiction, I may do whatever I desire, but still, my apologies *Bows*. Well, this has been Monniecakes' chapter 11! I hope that y'all stay tuned for the following chapters!  
  
~The Big Chunk, Mad Goat, Cow-wanna-be, Monniecakes  
  
*Puts all the songs mentioned here at the same time and dances to the special rhythm* 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity!  
  
(A/N Special Thanks To Hannah!!!)  
  
Well I've never ever tried to keep my level of complete and chronicle insanity healthy, but some times you just have to try to, right? It's like when you're watching The Pink Panther. You simply can't stop cracking your behind off! Well, same thing with me and my peeps. When you are as crazy as we are, there's no stopping us, no medicine to cure us, no way in HELL to turn our freaky ideas around, AND NO WAY TO STOP US FROM RE-SINGING THE SPICE GIRLS' SONGS!!!  
  
Well, Chrissie was expecting to drive our old friends away, because she wants new ones, but it only brought them closer.  
  
Anyways, read on! Take my advice! Bettie Page has accomplished some of those, and she is doing great!!  
  
(A/N: I did get this in an email from Hannah (AKA sexy bitch) so the last one just refers to emailing and forwarding and blah blah blah..READ ON!!!)  
  
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity  
  
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair drier at passing cars. See if they slow down.  
  
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.  
  
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.  
  
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."  
  
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.  
  
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."  
  
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."  
  
8. Don't use any punctuation marks  
  
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.  
  
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.  
  
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."  
  
12. Sing along at the opera.  
  
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.  
  
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.  
  
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.  
  
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.  
  
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won, I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!"  
  
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives; they're loose!!"  
  
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."  
  
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...  
  
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it  
  
to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.  
  
Now these are the words that all dictionaries should be carrying! But NOOOO they have to have the RIGHT words. WELL, I think I speak for the rest of the world when I say.THESE ARE MUCH BETTER WORDS!!!!!  
  
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.  
  
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.  
  
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.  
  
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.  
  
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent  
  
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.  
  
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.  
  
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.  
  
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.  
  
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.  
  
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.  
  
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.  
  
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.  
  
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.  
  
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.  
  
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist  
  
AND OTHER ONES!!  
  
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and then supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:  
  
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.  
  
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as hillbilly.  
  
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (familiar to all men).  
  
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.  
  
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.  
  
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.  
  
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.  
  
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)  
  
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.  
  
10. Glibido: All talk and no action.  
  
11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.  
  
And, the pick of the literature:  
  
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.  
  
And remember kids! The world would not have psychiatrists if it weren't for us!!! BE A PROUD MAD COW!!!!  
  
Please review? PLEASE??!!! 


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